I've been feeling antsy, irritable, and generally crappy for the last 10 days. Starting with the depression over my group coaching falling through, a nasty cold-turned-bronchial-mess that won't go away (though I finally have my energy back) and undefined irritation. In reality, things have been going really WELL lately in the areas that we've been struggling with. Finances are much better (can you say miracle tax returns when I thought I had to pay a ton?!), Michael has two employers fighting over him, both at good rates doing things he loves, and I have steady work, some side jobs, and am getting good coaching experience and gradually spreading the word. Then why am I so irritated?
I think it's several things, one being meeting/church issues that I'm not processing consciously. Without a novel to explain for those who aren't familiar, I'd been prepping myself for months and months to the seemingly inevitable and I believe healthy conclusion that we in our local church would end up 'written out' or kicked out of the overall group I grew up in and have had fellowship with my whole life. I'd mourned, fought, worried, been relieved, and looked forward to it. The feeling of claustrophobia associated with any named/highly organized church was getting to me. Then, overnight it seemed, the local church decided to take the steps to make sure that didn't happen (giving in majorly it seemed to me) and we were "back inside the circle" to quote the dad in Meet the Parents. I was equally relieved and upset. Things are still percolating, letters being written, hands wrung, voices raised in distress, and communications missing the mark. I DID realize something in it all that made me happy for the 'return', at least in the short term. I'd thought I was walking away from a 'bad, contaminated' bunch of people and not really involved myself. Them and their issues. Not true, I saw my own heart and realized that I had the very same spirit myself.
I didn't start out to write about this, and it's feeling a bit strange, but that's a big piece of what's been in my subconscious in the last month. Then the other piece was just commented on to my by a dear friend S, who noticed that I was really sqirmy around the issue of working/hours/douglas/life stuff. The better financial situation means that perhaps soon I can lessen or even drop my temping job. Leaving me free to do more coaching, spend more time with Douglas, and be at home more. But I do the guilt dance because part of me doesn't want to be home more, likes being out and with other people, and feels totally guilty for not often wanting more time at home. There, I said it. I love Douglas, and love spending time with him, but have a terrible time relaxing enough to actually do so. And we've been hitting huge battles lately between he/i, and I'm finding it exhausting, nervewracking, and intimidating. He's incredibly willful, manipulative, and demanding. Probably an awful lot like me, and like michael.
It's 5:00 and time to go pick him up, and I never got to the part the headline refers to ... michael's art opening last night where both our friends came, douglas had a ball, everyone laughed and connected, and michael sold 2 more of his pieces, making 3 in the last week! More mixing of friends and worlds, surprises, and fellowship.
I'm a mixed bag today.