Faith, and other stuff

Other stuff first ...
The baby is still 'transverse' as of yesterday, and weighing a nice and moderate 6lbs. I'd love it if it stayed that way, no sense getting any bigger in my opinion, at least until after it decides to make an appearance. The tranverse bit means head down and sideways, spine running up my left side. Half a flip to go, spatula please?

Lots of things about to pop ... friends interviewing, baby shifting, school ending, job ending, and so on. I haven't decided yet when to end work, they're letting me go day to day which is nice ... I only have 2-3 days possible next week before I have to stop as I'll have Douglas home. I'm letting the sitter go as soon as school is out next Friday, it's not worth it to pay her for the days he's also in school, I'd be paying more in childcare than I make 3/days a week ... ugh.

Had a great subway experience again this morning, with being offered and then heading for a seat on the A train (by a man standing right next to it) only to have it slid into by another woman. I'd just gotten there, and the woman next to the formerly empty spot immediately saw what happened and stood up to give me her seat. The man who'd motioned me over said loudly "excuse me, I was saving that seat for *her*" to the woman who'd just sat down. She bolted. So I'm left standing there with two empty seats to choose from, feeling a little foolish but very glad to have one! Commuting is getting harder, between the walking, stairs, and bumping of the trains it isn't always too fun. So far it's good though, just that end-of-the-day drag that gets hard.

Also got to hear some acapella singing on the A that was delightful. One of those one-man-gets-on-sings-loudly-then-three-others-start-backup-vocals-who-you-didn't-know-were-connected-and-they-mosey-down-the-car-with-the-sweetest-harmony-and-a-paper-bag-extended-and-then-hop-off-at-the-next-stop-with-a-god-bless. I love those kind of treats.

Faith ... hmm. N brought it up the other night, how acting on faith every moment of every day was a pretty appropriate but difficult thing to pull off. rather impossible feeling, but love the idea. not laws or should/shouldn'ts/bad/good/right/wrong, but just faith. likely will result in good but not the focus. I related to the thought strongly as I'd been chewing on it related to the birth of this next kid. Thinking about who is present at the birth really matters to me, but it's not something I can really schedule or control or anything. I can ask, but not get. I've had a peace all along that whoever ends up being there/free will be great, just like it was at D's birth even though it was not at all what I'd envisioned. Feeling strongly that the active faith of those in the room dramatically effects the birth. Came up partly over a hint by newish friend that she'd like to be there. She's talked many times about huge issues she has w/god and church and the like, which I respect as where she's at, but don't necessarily want someone in the room whose default is to dis god (thanks b for reminding me of that word :). I also just plain don't know how comfortable I'd be waltzing around naked in front of her as I don't know her that well. Not that I'm planning on doing all that much waltzing, mind you, but I have to feel completely comfortable or it will slow things down.

Also thinking about it in connection w/the midwife ... she's been asking about a few things that are normally done after the birth (vitamin K shot and antibiotic ointment in the eyes) to see what we want done. Michael's preference is none of the above, D didn't have it and he sees no reason to do it. I don't mind the shot (the contents of it mind you, I hate the needle thing right off the bat) but don't really want the eyes treated unless there's obvious reason to. The midwife told me about a baby she delivered a couple months ago that wasn't given the shot, and has subsequently had problems because there was undetected bleeding in the brain due to delivery trauma. The reason they give it in the first place: she said babies aren't born with blood clotting abilities right off the bat and the Vit K helps that in case they need it due to the squishing during birth. She felt terrible about the problems, feeling they would have been avoided if she'd given the shot. So her faith currently lies in the shot, and she's afraid of not giving it. I'm not afraid of complications one way or the other, and as she's attending and assisting, I'm inclined to go with her faith on this one, feeling it's stronger one direction than mine is, and I have faith either way. Don't know though about how to take that, making it based on someone else's faith. If Michael's feelings are as strong on the subject as he's alluded to, then it's more between him and I than it is between her and I ... we shall see.

The issue itself is pretty minor, but I'm curious about the bigger picture of how faith actively works. What it creates/causes/produces. I'm suspicious that the picture is bigger and more powerful than I'm used to or comfortable with. And in the case of a new beginning/birth, it seems like the ante is up, at least for now. A chance to approach things differently this time around, using things we've learned from D and from life. Hopefully we've learned something! But I'm sure this kid will have their own bag of tricks that D never touched on, and be whole new ballgame where I feel like I'm swimming blindly all the time. Isn't that what parenting is about anyhow?