in a fog

I can't seem to get my head wrapped around this thing called daily life with two kids and a freelancing husband. FREE lancing. freedom and unpredictability. i seem married to the idea of one, while locked in the slavering jaws of the other.

some days i'm a great fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants mom and make things fun no matter what. those days seem few and far between lately. i'm impaired somewhat by this nagging cold/congestion that will not leave, or at least i use it as an excuse for being crabby and tired. we've never been the 'have an exact routine with your kids and follow it at almost all costs' kind of parents. bedtimes are all over the map, meals scattered, baths neglected, etc., and it does allow a lot of freedom. it also has consequences in tired/cranky kids, meltdowns, and general scum between the toes. we survive. we don't always flourish though.

read 'secrets of the baby whisperer' finally last week, after reaching my wits end with fynn's lack of sleeping thru the night. by finally, I mean it was given as a gift when D was born, I never really read it, and loaned it recently to a friend who had her first. she actually read it, and thought it rather over the top. she takes a middle of the road approach to schedules and and habits, but says kids are predictable and readable from day one.

what i got from it? fynn CAN sleep thru the night, it's just a bad habit that he gets up ... and we're halfway there on cutting out the 1:30am feeding ... i can almost taste the sleep now. and the bigger thing ... if i actually pay attention to his clues, I'll know when he's ready to sleep, and that's before he starts wailing and getting frantic about his toys. duh. i'm not a mindful parent, I'm a 'pack it all in' kind of parent. i love it and i hate it both.

i'm having trouble putting my thoughts together, perhaps distracted by an unfinished/painful conversation with my husband before he ran off to the studio to draw a snarling lamb on a map. rush job for this guy to project on this guy's face .... for a photoshoot for this magazine. perhaps the image is an apt one for me?

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been doing a lot of cleaning in my antsy-ness lately. deep cleaning of drawers, closets, etc and lots of pitching going on. have an 'ebay' stack, tech-overstock box, clothes basket, and baby-stuff box. and bags of garbage. if i really only wear the same 4 shirts, with a couple 'dress' ones in case i actually go out somewhere, do I need the other 14? trying to get even more ruthless and pitch it if i don't love it, even though i wear the same things over and over. who really notices if i wear the same jeans 4 days in a row? no one, so long as they don't reek of fynn-dressing.

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will see where this antsy-ness leads.