I got the feedback today from Fynn's homeopath as to why she'd chosen the remedy for him that she prescribed, and some of the commentary was on how linked he and I are. Some of the rationale was to do with the sense of identity and need for connection that she got from my descriptions. (If you're not familiar with homeopathy, it's based on temperments, energies, and essences, and they take an exhaustive history of your likes/dislikes, personality, reactions, dreams, and so on ...).
I felt a thunk of recognition when I read her e-mail, and it fits really well with where I'm at. I'm having 'trouble' weaning Fynn, which means I thought I was ready, and dropped 2 of his 4 daily feedings in the last week, but kind of hit a wall and don't want to go further, even though I want the freedom from it, at least in my head I do. Then there's the article I wrote just after he was born that talked about fellowship.
Holding my newborn son a couple of weeks ago, I was suddenly struck with the realization that a long-term hole in my heart was no longer empty. It wasn't the "wanting another baby" hole, it was the one shaped like "I want to be part of a community, and know and be known for what role I play." Until my early 20s that hole was filled by my church interactions, but things changed and my role was no longer a clear or satisfying fit for the longing I had. Enter Fynn, and a life with 2 kids, and suddenly I knew my role and feelings as a mother would never change, no matter what happens, and that my role in my immediate family was my most satisfying label.
I'm using him for my sense of belonging, and not the meeting anymore. While identity is good, I think I've got him too wrapped up in mine. Sure I'm his mom and that won't ever change, but I want him to need me and that's not good for either of us. I don't know how to put it really, other than that there's a piece of my spiritual identity that I'm relying on him for, and it doesn't feel right. I've been looking for a women's bible study recently, and think that might be a step in the right direction. I 'preach' on my new site about getting grounded in the morning, and I'm not doing it myself. Still not getting up in time to have time alone, and I need it desperately.
Thus endeth day 12.