twisted up

i'm in another tailspin that i can't seem to talk about.  angry, resentful, pent up, and generally tense all over.  i imagine the sciatica this week was a symptom, not a cause.  i did manage to run the brooklyn bridge today and it helped to get tired, but it barely took the edge off.  i wanted to stop and pray in the middle of the bridge, my favorite spot in the city, but I couldn't.  the financial pit is getting deeper, i know it's possible to pull out of provided work shows up, but i freak out in the meantime.  i have one web job done (at almost half the price I quoted, and not much simpler than I'd promised) and two more on deck, tho neither will pay for weeks.  m has been averaging about 6 days of work a month for the last three.  that just doesn't cut it at all.  i have 2 coaching clients, both paid up, and one i know won't re-up and the other I don't know about.  i've lost all enthusiasm for coaching too, i honestly dread it except for the two clients that are real friends also.  i don't want to do it anymore.  i resent my husband's attitude about it, his waiting on the lord and calling his regular contacts thing, and if there's nothing doing he goes to the studio.  he's done the best painting of the last 10 years in the last 3 months, and that has long-term promise, but it doesn't pay the bills right now.  i'm frozen on the outside and boiling on the inside.  he points out that the lord has always taken care of us, and he has.  i know that.  i can't seem to rest in it, and i question that tactic every time it gets tough.  but the times others have stepped in, the things that are always off limits, the feeling trapped and claustrophobic in a city i can't afford to leave, that sucks.  please pray for work for both of us, i'd appreciate it.