it's about time

for a post that's not just pictures.  i'm sitting here with a bill marked 'paid' sitting in front of me, something new and exciting.  thanks you know who you are.  it's hard to take, to receive.  i hate doing it.  partly because i feel weak, out of control, and wimpy.  afraid of feeling obligated.  guilty to have an idea of what it cost the giver.  but it is what it is.  there are changes afoot, there have to be.  first off seems to be to get m a smaller studio.  much smaller, with probably no woodshop.  but maybe closer to home?  he looks at one next week that's just a few blocks away.  that would cut a couple hundred a month off the bills.  then there's fynn's school, which i really really hope not to give up, but am certainly open to it.  he'd forget eventually, but it's good for him to socialize, and good for me to have a few hours to do my own things and work without feeling guilty that i'm sidelining my kids. 

yes, work has picked up a bit.  i've gotten some work from a family connection, which has been traumatic due to my lack of confidence, but overall good i think.  still figuring out what they like, and finding cryptic emails hard to decipher relative satisfaction from.  perhaps i should just pick up the phone and ask?!  i had one design job which kicked me in the butt in terms of my skill levels, but i learned a ton.  then work from an old chicago client has picked up temporarily, and that's really nice.  i need to hunt down more leads to keep it flowing, but a trickle is really good to have.  m has one job coming up next week too, not a lot of money but better than nothing.  the employer is a taskmaster in the extreme, and a real character, so there will be stories at least I'm sure.

i'm still struggling with the ebb/flow of work.  feeling like when i have it i have to get it done asap (client deadlines, not mine, so some truth to that) and then I go into hamster wheel mode.  it's productive, but not harmonious or easy on anyone.  yesterday m came in from the studio at 6, and i'd not started supper, nor did i have any intention of doing it.  just told him sorry, he was on his own, and i stayed hunkered down at the computer for a few hours making headway on a site redesign.  part of it was badly needing alone time, but feeling too busy and tired to take it.  with m working more regular hours at the studio, i have to get runs in before 8:15.  that means getting up no later than 6:30, which is hard for me as I've been hitting the sack between 12 and 3:30 for the last week.  i don't function well on less than 6.5, especially when i'm running 5 miles to start it off.  start earlier, run, hamster wheel, kid responsibilities, kid guilt, sick kids, pent up-ness, and it's not a pretty cycle. 

really feeling the lack of fellowship, and starting to make more social plans in an effort to make deeper connections.  had friends for dinner 2 weeks ago, have things all thru the weekend and into monday, and it feels healthy though busy.  went to meeting 3x in the last 6 weeks, which was interesting in itself.  the best part of it all i think was the 2nd time we went with my folks (which was hard for me and for them) and a brother from the DR was there visiting his daughter.  he came over to us right after meeting, and asked in spanish why we didn't break bread.  thankfully my cousins H and S were there, and H got roped into translating.  it was nice to have the elephant in the room named, talked about, and discussed openly with much love and hugs. somehow i can't just sit down with my folks and explain how we feel.  i wish i could, and i'm not afraid of recriminations, but it's still really difficult for me. 

the moms site is really on my mind lately too.  whether to stop pushing the forum and focus on the blog and opening up comments there?  every time i forget to close comments on the weekly questions posts, ppl answer that way.  it is easier than clicking another button.  i made it too hard, though richer, and now many find it too daunting i think.  easy clicks.  i really need to blog there more to drive interest.  speaking of which, now that i'm done my glass of wine perhaps i'll do just that.