i seem to be in a complete spiral again, not functioning very well. stress over lots of clients to fit in, spring break looming with 11 days of boys, no money to go anywhere, and a husband with several evening commitments and a guys weekend where he’ll be away. again. i’m simmering with resentment that i haven’t gotten away more than a few hours, and he’s had 5 days in canada, and now another getaway with guy friends. i have plans for may and dc, but i can’t even think that far ahead. i feel swamped with design work that’s stressful (logos are HARD), deadlines, committing to not doing the work while the boys are up as i end up sooo snappy and short with them that i can’t. one computer and no tv means i can’t park them for half an hour either, as the computer is the only place to watch stuff. i’d rather not do that anyhow. a lot of things I’d rather not do, that I am. working late at night, every night. i’m not even sure why it makes me so mad. i don’t mind the work, but would find it a lot less stressful to have real daytime hours to work on it, rather than sputtering out what I can before i collapse into bed. but it is what it is and i can’t change it and can’t afford not to do it. why do i resent it so much, and that flops over into me resenting my husband too. mad that he’s not making enough to support things right now.
i’m just plain simmering, with no real understanding of what exactly I mad at. that things aren’t going so smoothly? whatever. it’s life and it’s fine. i’m just mad. here’s hoping i get a handle on it before it blows up in my face, like it almost did last night.