today is the day
today is douglas’ last day of public school. it’s bittersweet, exciting, and feels utterly inevitable. i never dreamed i’d actually do this until about 6 weeks ago. somehow when you make a big decision, the relief upon arriving at the ‘decided’ part of the equation is huge. it’s not as big, however, as the feeling like i couldn’t have possibly made any other decision. the rightness and conviction of it has been continually surprising me for the last 3 weeks.
i know it’s right, but i can’t express why very articulately. i’m getting blank stares from most parents that i talk to in person, a resounding silence in response to the email i sent to his class parents, and an amazingly supportive response from the teachers and administrators at his school.
this is the image he drew for the card he wanted to give to his classmates today, with his name and contact info on it. tractor beams and aliens and tanks, the currency of 7-year-old imaginations. i think i’ll be more well-versed in that language in a few weeks, i’ll let you know how it goes.
so
we went on a cruise. one night, down the hudson and past Long Island, and had a wonderful time. thx to my sis and her hubby. great to get away, see the sunset AND sunrise across the city, eat at 3 restaurants, and have time to just be. a few things came out, and peace with decisions was deepened.
particularly the decision to homeschool douglas, starting in just under 3 weeks (at the winter break). primarily me. fynn to hopefully stay in school until the end of the year, though we’re months behind on his tuition. they’re being helpful and flexible, so we’ll see. not a light decision though we’ve tossed it around for ages. not in response to a terrible school either. pretty much in response to watching his change in demeanor, sensing a shift in my relationship to him, and god kicking me in the butt and whispering “take him out now, or lose him.” i can’t tell you why, really, just that despite the obvious potential issues with patience and freedom and personalities, i have no doubts about it. just that it will be hard, with potential for great joy and great challenge.
a piece of it involves me dropping the last bits of feeling like i must bring in money, even though logic dictates that i must. i can’t work much and still focus on my kids like i have to, and indeed want to. i didn’t want to for a long time. not exclusively. i do now, within reason. meaning i still need time alone, to run, etc and have no intention of giving up my other blog unless it proves to be too big a time hog. i’m not a good mother when i work. at all.
i’m looking forward to the change. i need prayer for patience and realistic attitudes about it. ironically, the social aspect of his school is the best it’s ever been, and i feel more at home there than i ever have. there will be tears. i talk to his teacher tomorrow, to launch the ball. i’ve said for years that it’s never time to leave a place until it really hurts. this will be no exception.
D in a Basket
His hair still sticks up, he’s just as curious, and he doesn’t fit in a basket anymore. Growth spurt alert as his burrito-gobbling abilities were twice normal the other night. I wonder what happened to that blanket? Seven has me on the run. I’m loving him, but not sure I like it yet. This older and wiser and thinking I’m hot stuff seven. The slowly-crumbling imaginary worlds: the knowing sidelong glances when he insists on something he knows isn’t true. That gun REALLY shoots air, mom, really! The impatience for summer now that he knows what summer means. The constraints of school and structure and resonsibility. The loss of so many things. I’m feeling them lately, with this firstborn of mine.