it's been quiet on this here blog

because i’ve been adjusting to a whole new life.  the homeschooling one.  i decided i didn’t want to be bound to posting here, so moved my blogher ads over to sanemoms, where i get a lot more traffic and post more regularly anyhow.  now i feel a bit free-er to rant over here if i want to.  i’m tired of obligations of all sorts, other than parenting and household stuff.  that does get old sometimes too, but less than i expected it to. 

i love having d home.  i really do, and not just because our days are less scheduled.  we go just about everywhere together.  he’s helpful, fun, crazy, and only drives me nuts about 12 times a day.  that’s spread out over the whole day, rather than starting the minute he walks in the door from school.  that means we’re having a lot more good times together, upping the ratio of good/lousy considerably.  i like this.  he likes this too i believe.

it’s going to take time to adjust fully though.  a lot of time.  he misses school.  i do miss free time, but am not missing it nearly as much as expected.  my friend s was over yesterday, saw the look in my eyes and asked if i was stir crazy.  i was, but hadn’t realized it.  strange, i’m usually so aware of that, but the kind of crazy and the kind of stir has changed.  she took my kids home with her for a couple of hours, and i got in a run (something that’s been suffering quite a bit) and started dinner on my own.  m happens to be painting her house, so brought the kids home after a pizza dinner, by which time i was already on my way downtown to see How to Train a Dragon. 

that was good.  coming home to find out our landlord gave us the wrong receipt a few months back, and we believed it and assumed we owed a lot less than we do?  not good for my psyche.  how does one ignore yawning pits at ones feet?  they’ve never failed to be filled, we’ve never gone hungry, and never been homeless.  i don’t know why i worry, but i still do. 

there’s beans with garlic simmering on the stove, iced tea brewing in the gorgeous sun, and a breeze coming in the wide open windows.  i’m working on my attitude. 

i will post her occasionally, as i feel like it, but not as regularly as over here.  i’m trying to be more open over there, as i manage to make tiny cracks in the shell. 

today is the day

today is douglas’ last day of public school.  it’s bittersweet, exciting, and feels utterly inevitable.  i never dreamed i’d actually do this until about 6 weeks ago.  somehow when you make a big decision, the relief upon arriving at the ‘decided’ part of the equation is huge.  it’s not as big, however, as the feeling like i couldn’t have possibly made any other decision.  the rightness and conviction of it has been continually surprising me for the last 3 weeks. 

i know it’s right, but i can’t express why very articulately.  i’m getting blank stares from most parents that i talk to in person, a resounding silence in response to the email i sent to his class parents, and an amazingly supportive response from the teachers and administrators at his school. 

this is the image he drew for the card he wanted to give to his classmates today, with his name and contact info on it.  tractor beams and aliens and tanks, the currency of 7-year-old imaginations.  i think i’ll be more well-versed in that language in a few weeks, i’ll let you know how it goes. 

so

we went on a cruise.  one night, down the hudson and past Long Island, and had a wonderful time.  thx to my sis and her hubby.  great to get away, see the sunset AND sunrise across the city, eat at 3 restaurants, and have time to just be.  a few things came out, and peace with decisions was deepened. 

particularly the decision to homeschool douglas, starting in just under 3 weeks (at the winter break).  primarily me.  fynn to hopefully stay in school until the end of the year, though we’re months behind on his tuition.  they’re being helpful and flexible, so we’ll see.  not a light decision though we’ve tossed it around for ages.  not in response to a terrible school either.  pretty much in response to watching his change in demeanor, sensing a shift in my relationship to him, and god kicking me in the butt and whispering “take him out now, or lose him.”  i can’t tell you why, really, just that despite the obvious potential issues with patience and freedom and personalities, i have no doubts about it.  just that it will be hard, with potential for great joy and great challenge. 

a piece of it involves me dropping the last bits of feeling like i must bring in money, even though logic dictates that i must.  i can’t work much and still focus on my kids like i have to, and indeed want to.  i didn’t want to for a long time.  not exclusively.  i do now, within reason.  meaning i still need time alone, to run, etc and have no intention of giving up my other blog unless it proves to be too big a time hog.  i’m not a good mother when i work.  at all.  

i’m looking forward to the change.  i need prayer for patience and realistic attitudes about it.  ironically, the social aspect of his school is the best it’s ever been, and i feel more at home there than i ever have.  there will be tears.  i talk to his teacher tomorrow, to launch the ball.  i’ve said for years that it’s never time to leave a place until it really hurts.  this will be no exception.