the phantom cat

we took him in to be put down this morning.  to the vet he’d been to a few years ago, and of course hated.  the fees were more than expected, and i couldn’t afford to pay the extra $65 to get to hold him while they did it.  perhaps that was a blessing, but having him show more fight than he has in days, once he realized where he was, really sucked.  having to hand him over, no matter how kind the vet, hurt a lot.  the boys said their goodbyes, tho fynn of course really wasn’t sure what was going on.  kitty go up in sky?  something like that.

it’s going to take awhile to not hear/see a phantom cat in here.  thought i heard him jump down the minute i came in the door.  had a flash of wondering where he was when i started the vacuum, which always terrified him.  thought i saw him slink around the corner in the kitchen.  i had him much longer than i’ve been married or had kids, 15 years actually.  myrtle and i bought him and his brother at a pet shop i think, and named the pair after a local grocery store/drugstore chain.  dominic and osco.  osco (on the right above) didn’t live more than a couple of years before a car got him. 

he will be missed.


waiting for a pet to die is torture.  watching him fade.  fall.  stumble.  emaciate.  still having zest, and then suddenly it’s gone and you wonder if it’s mean to not put him down.  now.  suddenly it went from being kinder to let him die on his own, to torture.  for him, and for us.  i pray he dies tonight, to let it be over.  to stop the things i don’t even want to describe.  i want to remember him happy.  like he was just a few days ago.  wishing the vet were open this afternoon, not willing to make/pay for an emergency visit somewhere, feeling like the trip there would torture him more than the dying is. 

i want it to be over.  please.