I'm scared.

Thanks to a snow-day yesterday, the number of home-alone-with-no-kids days in my forseeable future was reduced to one.  That’s this Friday: Douglas’ last day of public school for the forseeable future.  The voluntary end of my day-time free time.  This scares the living daylights out of me.  I LOVE my free time, and have counted on it to get things done.  Things like work (ok, less of it than I’d like to admit, but I  still work at warp speed when I do get to it!), running, shopping w/out a stroller and whiners, blogging, you name it: things that are easier done without a kid or two in tow.  And I’m giving up my two free days a week, and will now have two kids on the other days that I just had one.

I did this voluntarily, and I have no regrets.  Not yet at least.  Just fears that it will be far harder to adjust to than I imagine.  That I’ll lose my cool, and be frustrated a lot of the time.  I want to work less, but am not sure yet if that will be possible.  I’m getting more jobs to quote on, which is funny, and I’m quoting them a bit higher than in the past so that I can hire the occasional sitter if I have to for a day.  I’ve been told for months that I’m not charging enough anyhow :).  I really do hope that I can slow down on that front, but unless my husband’s work picks up I don’t know how we’ll manage. 

Logically, this homeschooling move seems insane.  In my heart however, I feel utterly and completely convicted that it’s the right thing to do, and that it’s the right time.  So I’m stepping out into a job I never thought I’d take on, and know it will be both delightful and frustrating.  That it will make or break my relationship to my son in some important way.  That we’ll both love and hate it, usually on the same day.  I’ve been told that every time I get depressed, I take on a big project as a distraction and the more insane it is, the more likely I am to tackle it.  While this may be true, it does seem to work for me so I’m not going to fight it!  I heart big projects.  Impossible situations are my specialty, and I’m a wee bit masochistic to boot.  This is big, scary, and moving right along.  I’m sure you’ll be hearing more about it as we get into it!