My husband recently asked me how I would rate our marriage. I didn’t have to think that hard and gave it a solid “7”. He agreed.
There was a time when we would have agreed on a 9 (before children), and a time we were around a 2 (both times when our children were under 6 months old and we were walking zombies).
Currently, we are doing well, no amazing fireworks and no hostility…just riding the waves. We began to brainstorm together how we could raise our ranking up a few notches. To maintain a 10 with two small children is a bit unrealistic to me, but I could see striving for an 8 or even back up to a 9. We asked the each other how we could improve. It was easy to describe what we each needed more of. For the last 10 years the answer is always the same.
He needs more sex and I need more of an emotional connection.
For him, sex is his emotional connection. For me, I feel connected with eye contact, talking and feeling heard. I can’t get in the mood if I don’t feel connected, and he can’t feel connected (listen to me) if he doesn’t have the sex. It is a pattern. A pattern that is so difficult to jump out of, particularly because we both fall into bed completely exhausted every single night.
I am too tired for sex and he is too tired to talk. So most nights we do neither.
We know this is not an unusual pattern for a couple with two small kids. However, we fear if we continue this pattern year after year, the drifting will continue until there is a great divide. I listen to the stories of empty nesters who wake up one morning and don’t even know the person with whom they’re living. I don’t want to be that couple. I want to be an 8 or 9 … and a 10 when our kids are grown. But it takes some a lot of work to get there. Little makes me tear up faster then seeing an older couple holding hands, looking each other in the eye and still enjoying each other. I want to be that couple.
Thankfully, we are both committed to working on our relationship so we don’t become merely parenting partners living in the same house. Neither of us are going anywhere. We are in this for the long haul come 1, 3 or 10. But wouldn’t it be so much more fulfilling if we could be more connected, have more sex and be in tune with each other despite being so damn tired???
What about you? What would you rate your relationship?
What do you need more of? Less of? What about your partner?
Let the love rock on,
Heather is a life coach for moms, a middle school counselor and a mama who is committed to rocking her mojo! She has two extremely “spirited,” independent and strong-willed children who test her, teach her and exhaust her…several times a day! You can read more about her at My Mama Mojo.