All over the map

Illustration by Douglas V.

I had one of those nights last night, where you know you’re going to fall apart, and kind of want to because it’s like scratching an itch, and then when you do it’s rather hard to stop.  Really hard, actually.  You get caught off guard by the itensity of what you’ve been bottling up, and discover that what you’re crying the hardest about has nothing to do with what started the sob-fest in the first place.  Ever been there?  Yeah, you know what I mean.  It was a rough night. 

It was touched off by struggling with a tech issue for a client, where instead of asking for help after half an hour of fruitless searching for an answer, I continued to beat my head against the wall for another hour.  I’m not very good at saying “Sorry, I can’t do that after all” and yet I have to sometimes.  I wound myself up rather than say it, dumb move.  Of course when I did finally reach out to an expert on the subject, I was told what I was trying to do was impossible anyway!  Nice.  And when I did finally tell the client “oops, sorry!”, there were no issues at all.  It’s almost like I can see the emotional train wreck I’m setting up, but am powerless to stop it. It wasn’t pretty.

There’s something magical about watching track unfold in front of you though, especially when you can’t see where you’re going.  (Yes, I do love roller coasters.)  Had the cheap version today, when the subway car we were on turned out to be the front car, and for once the front window wasn’t painted over.  Why is it usually?  No idea.  Fynn and I stood there for 15 minutes revelling in the unusual view. 

I woke up today feeling hung over, just the usual head-sludge I have to wade through after a night like that.  The I’m-going-to-be-very-quiet-and-walk-very-carefully-today-and-hope-that-nothing-hurts kind of feeling.  Subdued for sure.  It turned out to be a pretty good day too, with the venting still ringing in my ears and making me slow down.  We went to D’s Ancient Math class, got home before the rain really hit, had an extended quiet time (where I managed to sneak in a movie on You Tube, and didn’t even feel guilty about it), and cooked supper together.  I even furthered the gluten-free adventuring and made GF tortillas for supper, which I wouldn’t really recommend even though they were great in the end!  Ever try to flatten out gloppy sticky mounds of dough in a hot pan?  Not for the faint of heart, or the low-of-blood-sugar, or the in-a-hurry-to-get-dinner-on sort of nights, but we managed, and they tasted great.

The crowning touch of the night though was getting an email from the director of the summer camp we’d applied to for D.  The camp that seems made-for-D and couldn’t be more perfect for him, that we all think would be fabulous, even though it means spending a month away this summer … and that we can’t possibly afford tuition to.  He interviewed on Sunday for a full scholarship, and I expected to have to wait weeks for an answer.  Tonight we found out he’s in!!  Thrilled beyond words.  That’s his illo up top of the camp.  A great end to a crazy 24 hours, all of them good.

I just hope the next 24 aren’t quite as drama-filled, but I’ll take ‘em how ever they come.