Almost back in the saddle

One of many bird shots I took in FL … I’m home, the guests are gone, the sheets are washed but not back on the bed yet, and I go to pick up the boys tomorrow.  I have some reflections on spending a week away, and the quietness of the house, but they’re not quite gelled enough to type out.  I hope to get them on paper on the bus tomorrow, on the way to meet my two wanderers.  I’m sure they’ll look different to me, I’m know I’ve changed and so have they.  It will be good, I’ve missed them.

One thing that happened before I left though?  I fell in love with my husband all over again.  A week with just the two of us, without any parenting responsibilities … I felt downright giddy for a bit there!  I was able to see him as Michael again, in focus, not as Dad first and husband later.  D was born 18 months after we were married, and we hadn’t lived together before then, so there wasn’t a whole lot of “just us” time before parenting took over.  It was a distant and very vague memory, but I found myself remembering bits of what that first year felt like as I once again made dinner for just the two of us.  Delicious.  

Showing up, and the touch of a genius

I’m more affected than I expected to be upon hearing of Steve Jobs’ passing yesterday.  He was a great man, and I won’t try to add any real perspective to the tributes flowing deep and wide all over.  I simply loved his demeanor, his turtlenecks, and his seemingly indefatigable passion for making things that work well and are actually a delight to use.  Not to mention sexy.  I’ve long loved all things Apple, even though I stopped being able to afford Macs for my design work years ago and had to settle for my well-hated PC. 
Read More

What a Week!

It’s been quite the week around here, setting back in from camping, experiencing my first earthquake on Tuesday (oh so mild, but still a rather memorable first!) and now getting ready for Hurricane Irene.  Glad we’re on the first floor and not terribly close to the water, but with a first-time-i’ve-ever-heard-of preemptive shutdown of the mass transit systems starting tomorrow noon, it’s making quite a ruckus.  We’ll see if it comes as predicted, but we’re getting a few things taken care of just in case, it would be pretty head-in-the-sand not to pay some attention to it!  Our front-room tenants are supposed to leave tomorrow, but given the situation it looks like they may be staying a few days longer :).

Cousins plotting out their fort … I promised a trip recap, and though much of the feelings have faded (oh how fast that happens!) I’ll see what I can dredge up. 

Read More

A memorable summer

You know those summers you look back on in your childhood, that shine a bit brighter than the rest?  I hope you have some anyway.  I can’t pinpoint the exact year or event, but there are golden edges to some of my strongest summer memories.  I must have been about 12 when I spent what feels like the entirety of July and August alternating between swimming in our backyard pool, and lying on hot beach towels on the driveway, playing the Game of Life with the twins I was best friends with.  I can still feel the rough concrete of the driveway through my towel (why weren’t we on the lawn?!), I’m pretty sure my bathing suit was a lurid shade of purple, and I know Tracey always wanted to have so many kids in the game that she needed an extra car to haul them around in.  It was a perfect summer. 

Read More

The weight of the world

It only takes one.  One little snippet of news, that strikes me in a particular way, and my insides start turning around in messy circles.  I can feel my shield of trust start to crack, that blessed thing that keeps me going despite fears and worries and what-if’s.  I’m actually not much of a worrier, but I do keep that assumption that everything will be just fine wrapped around me like a favorite quilt.  Then something pierces my armor, that soft and gentle armor, and my eyes are opened for awhile to the pain all around me.  The weight of the world.
Read More

I saw the tip of his shoe and it hit me ...

D took off on his camp adventure yesterday morning, and practically floated down the front steps on his way out.  I had to call him back to say goodbye, which made me smile, and felt just a wee twinge in my throat.  I’d been pre-mourning his going, as I’m wont to do, so the actual moment of separation didn’t really hit me emotionally.  I blew a kiss at the departing car, came inside with Fynn, and went back to bed to make up for the sleep I’d missed while getting the last of his gear labeled and mended and packed. 
Read More

Almost enjoying the spin cycle this time around ...

You know those frantic days (weeks, er, months, perhaps decades??) where you’re sure the day’s tasks are multiplying in the dark, and the faster you tackle them the more there are waiting to be done?  It’s been one of those weeks around here, with all of them hinging on today.  Fynn has to be at Carnegie Hall by 12:30, so he can be on stage (very briefly) at 2, and then sit quietly until 5pm when it’s over.  Without food.  (That part is so not happening, I’m sorry but enforcing the no-food ban for a 4-year-old for 4.5 hours?!)  My purse will be full of contraband granola bars for him and his friends if I ever get off the computer and on with my list. 

Right after the performance, and a celebratory ice cream or two, I’ll hop a train and head off to the Poconos for a girl’s weekend that I’ve hardly been able to look forward to for all the getting ready bits!  Technology problems, ant invasions, client deadlines, and the usual daily tasks of housework and homeschooling.  It’s pretty much a spin cycle.  BUT I am going to get away, and that reality will kick in before the day is over :).  Not sure I’ll know what to do with myself.  Of if I’ll want to come home again.  I’ve realized that the demands of home schooling mean I HAVE to get better about getting bits of daily time alone, whether the running picks up again or I find something else to do by and for myself every day.  Getting this pent up is not a pretty thing, and we’re all suffering under it. 

I said I was almost enjoying it though, and there’s some truth in that.  Getting lots done feels good, keeping busy when I’m fighting the blues is good, and there is satisfaction in checking things off the list, despite it’s tendency to grow.  When there’s a hard and fast deadline, like a curtain time or a fixed departure time, there’s that freeing feeling of knowing that whatever doesn’t get done won’t bring the world crashing to a halt.  The world, even my little corner of it, doesn’t hand on my lists.  It’s about doing what’s in front of me and doing it well, and learning when to say no to things that will just make the schedule even crazier. 

So what are you all doing for Memorial Day weekend?  (Or just the weekend if it’s a normal one for you.)  Cleaning up from disastrous storms, visiting family, doing the BBQ thing, or nothing special and wondering how you’re going to surivive?  I hope there’s sun and joy involved no matter what, and that some random stranger does something cool for you … catch up with you all on Tuesday!

Cheers,

SaneMom

Finishing up the week ...

Shipping Anchor, a painting based on my older son, by my husbandThere is nothing finished about parenting.  No days where everything is done, no moments when you stop being a mom, no time when your memory isn’t stuffed with bits and pieces of parenting and birthing and whining and smiles and worries and epiphanies.  They say don’t sweat the small stuff, and yet that’s the very fabric of life, isn’t it?  The sweat glues all the little threads together, keeping us somewhat intact. 
Read More

The Web of Empathy

These 4 lovelies are all ok, so thankful. Hearing about the tsunami and quake in Japan was a shocking surprise yesterday morning.  I learned of it from a Japanese friend’s FB status, moments before bolting out the door to an appointment. I immediately felt relief that she was ok, clicked through to a hard-to-take-in news story about it, and felt a deeper twinge of sorrow as I discovered that one of the hardest hit cities, Sendai, was one that I’d been to years ago.
Read More

Is Parenting Feeling Hard? Maybe You're Thinking Too Much (Guest post by Gina Osher)

On occasion, I want to tear my hair out, toSometimes I can’t wait for the day to be over. Yes, I said it. Sometimes I am just trying to kill the seemingly endless hours between the crack-of-dawn time that my kids wake up, to the can’t-come-soon-enough hour that they go to sleep. Perhaps this feeling stems from the really intense phase our daughter has been going through in which she needs to be in control of everything. And when she’s not allowed to have her way, holy Mother of God…watch yourself! Or maybe the recent four month long phase where our son was using me as a human pacifier and waking every two hours to ask for a snuggle is what makes me feel that the days are, at times, interminable. Or maybe it’s because my husband had a heart attack two months ago and I am trying give him more time to relax on weekends (hello, Saturdays on my own with the kids). Or maybe this tense feeling comes from micro managing every quarrel and crabby interaction my kids have in a misguided attempt to teach them to get along.
Read More

When do you mask, when do you share?

Deciding when my kids are old enough to know something is never easy for me.  Determining what they’re able to handle, or what I should keep them innocent about, is a tricky line.  I don’t want to burden them unnecessarily, but I don’t want to create elaborate illusions either.  When my eldest was carping on not being included in a discussion yesterday, I sarcastically responded that when he wished to take care of the bills, he was more than welcome to join the conversation!  Not my finest moment, but truthful. 
Read More

Q of the Week : What's the last thing you lost or forgot?

The elusive green sweater in action last year …My youngest is always losing things.  He carries a toy around, drops it to do something else, and then doesn’t have a clue where he left it.  That’s about right for a 4-year-old, but why is that true of me now too?  I used to be able to remember everything.  Dates, times, appointments, promises, names, bank balances, purchases … you name it and I could probably remember it.  Well, except birthdays, I’ve always sucked at remembering birthdays.  But now?  I can’t seem to remember much of anything. 

It feels like my ability to hang onto thoughts (let alone things) is stretched out like the elastic on that old bathing suit you kept-because-you-thought-you’d-fit-into-it-again, and that I might as well give up. 

Read More

Recognizing Yourself

I had that eerie experience yet again last night, where you recognize some aspect of yourself in a book or movie, and walk away shaking your head, perhaps shivering a bit.  The culprit this time was Natalie Portman’s character in the movie Black Swan.  A disturbing and powerful movie, well played, and still haunting me a bit.  No I don’t look like Natalie, nor am I a dancer, but her struggles with perfection and letting go?  Oh boy do I get that.  I get it like a second skin.  I live it every day, I struggle with it, and while I won’t spoil it for you if you haven’t seen it, I totally get the ending.  Makes complete sense to me in a twisted way. 
Read More

Whistling in the Dark, part II

I’ve been trying to write all week.  It’s not been successful, and now is a bad time to write as the boys are ready to start the day (don’t ask!), but I’ll give it a shot.  At least until they start killing each other. 

I wasn’t quite ready for the new year, but I don’t really have any other options other than continuing to go about my daily business, ready or not.  Homeschooling started off pretty well, meaning the boys were more than ready to start some work again, and are having a good time with it. 

I came up with a few new tricks which seem good to add to the arsenal. 

Read More

Knitting, Risk, and Who Does She Think She Is anyway?

I’m finally sitting down at my computer for the first time today, and am loving the fact that it took this long!  We did a lot of errands today (my sister is in town, making the process infinitely easier!) and got rid of some things that have been cluttering up the entry way … and boy do I love getting rid of stuff!  It’s the best kind of therapy, next to cleaning I think.  Having my sister around is good therapy too :).

We watched the Who Does She Think She Is movie last night, and while it was my 2nd time through I found it just as fascinating and thought-provoking as the first time. 

Read More

Rambling out the week ...

The pile of finished pillows, positively reeking of lavendar but they’ll calm down a bit over time. It all started with Fynn getting something similar as a gift, and me having to make a replacement when it was lost, so I decided to churn out a stack of them to make a few bucks for Christmas gifts this year.Well, that was a big old blank screen for a week, sorry about that!  My pillow-making frenzy for a craft fair this weekend got in the way a bit … and of course I left it all till the last minute, had sewing machine problems that made me crazy, and it rather snowballed from there. 

My moods didn’t help either, as they’ve been all over the place.  I’m doing some therapy-ish reading and journaling, and it’s digging up some stuff that needs to come up, but makes life extra messy in the meantime.

Read More

Socializing and Homeschooling

It’s pretty funny to me that one of the most common arguments against homeschooling is the lack of socialization.  My kids get together with other groups of kids pretty regularly, make new friends at the park often, and talk to more adults than average because I make them ask their own questions when we’re out and about on our daily walks.  I had the same fears before considering homeschooling, and I get where the questioning comes from, but I really don’t think it’s an issue unless your kids never ever leave the house. 
Read More

Of Rotten Kids and other things ...

That’s Grandma Figgy on the left, likely taken just after some sassy comment left her lips … It’s been a scattered week, but aren’t they all?  Recovering from my run was surprisingly less painful than expected, but I took it really easy anyhow.  No big outings, just puttering around the house and giving the boys a lighter-than-usual workload. 

I’ve been warily eyeing that monster called depression, who I expected to come bounding around the corner the minute the marathon was over, but so far we haven’t met in close quarters.  I saw him in the distance once.  This is good, though it makes me a bit afraid that I’m going to get blindsided.  One day at a time.  Chocolate helps, and I’ve been making steady inroads into the stashes hidden around the house :).

——————————-

I had one major sad note this week though, and that was to find that one of my original Rotten Kids passed away on Monday. 

Read More