Fostering Indepencence in Kids : Can it ever be too much? (By Darah Z.)

(I think this is an important and timely issue to address, especially with all the debate between “helicopter” moms and “free-range” moms, and the issues of safety, creativity and independence that are being argued.  Let’s hear your thoughts! Mine are in the comments … — Sanemom)

By Darah Zeledon

Today I noticed my 26 month-old daughter disrobing and removing her own diaper. I had to stop her just short of wiping and changing herself.

My first thought was - if she’s willing to clean and diaper herself, what the heck is she still doing in these things anyway?

My second thought was - is she ahead of the “curve” in terms of self-sufficiency? Is this normal?

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Q of the Week : How do you handle fighting in your house? (by Heather S.)

I know all kids fight.  I know we can’t stop it completely.  But some days I feel like I should be wearing a black and white striped outfit and a whistle around my neck.  My kids are both very strong willed and spirited.  My daughter is 5 and is extremely dramatic and wants a lot of space.  My son is 3 and is unusually physically active.  All he wants to do is sit on top of her.  What they want from each other is so completely opposite that we can’t seem to find a common ground.  Some days I don’t know what else to say, I sound like a broken record.  I feel like I have tried it all…
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Q of the Week : How do you know when your family is complete?

Guest post from Heather S.

 

When I was pregnant with my first child, I swore I would never have another.  I held true to this statement up until my daughter was about a year old; and then I fell in love with her.  My husband and I started talking about the idea of a second.  Two children felt right to us.  We wanted our daughter to have a sibling, we wanted the experience of creating and raising another child.  We felt our family was not yet complete, so we went for it.  

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Friday Roundup

Happy Friday all, may yours be sweet.  A few links to start your weekend …

  • Don’t forget to answer the question of the week, and see if your inbox needs a little corraling …
  • Enter Family.com’s Canyon Ranch getaway sweepstakes for you and a friend, what’s not to love?!  Thanks to CindyD for the tip … I know I could use a getaway for sure.
  • Secrets … a powerful post on the WC about the side effects of keeping secrets, and what shame can do to a child … how do you make sure your kids trust you enough to tell you everything?
  • OMSH’s Sage Advice on Sibling Rivalry … It’s not a recent post, but it’s so good I wanted to share it for those of you raising siblings … trying, isn’t it? Mine actually have been getting along better since I pulled D out of school. I think it’s simply due to spending a lot more time together, and they’re learning to both work things out, and to press each others’ buttons more efficiently.  There are always two sides, aren’t there?

I would like to take a sick day, please?

Oh that’s right, moms don’t get any.  No such thing as calling in sick on the mothering duties, is there?  If you’ve got regular care lined up that’s somewhat of a break, but there’s still pickup and dropoff to contend with … it pretty much sucks either way.  I’m just wallowing in a vat of soggy kleenex, feeling sorry for myself during this 3rd day of parenting while dragging my aching self around.  I want a day off!!
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I let him have it tonight ...

It was a hard day with my eldest.  We got a lot of exercise for the 2nd day in a row (this I run/ he bikes thing is getting good!) and I think he was more tired than I realized.  We played a game before dinner, which then ended up being later than I expected, and then he fussed and fretted and grimaced about the food he was served.  Nothing was right, whining and attempted bargaining ensued, and I eventually sent him to his room to think about his attitude. 
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Q of the Week : Tackling the Touchy Subjects

I had several conversations in the past few days that brought “touchy subjects” up again.  How and when do you tackle the heavy questions with your kids?  Douglas has already had the sex talk, and I’m glad that one’s over with.  However, what do you do when you see a mugshot with the words “wanted for r-a-p-e” on it, and he asks what it means?  What do you say when he asks why Aunt B talks funny?  I know it’s all a matter of choice, but I’m curious how others handle it. 
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Seeing Myself in my Kids

The more I’m around Douglas, which is a lot these days thanks to home schooling him, the more I see myself in him.  It’s part of parenting, that sudden jolt when you hear your own voice, see your own features, or watch your own mannerisms reflected right back at you.  Sometimes it’s a joy, more often though I notice when it’s something I’d rather not have reflected.  I’m forced to face my own issues, and it hurts!
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Q of the Week : How much screen time do your kids get?

Fixated on cartoons during vacation …

I’m sure you’ve been asked this question before, but I’d still love to know.  How much screen time (tv/video/games/computer/etc.) do your kids get a day or week?  My boys just finished watching a Tom/Jerry marathon thanks to a playdate-gone-long, and their insanity at the end of it all gets me every time. 

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Friday Roundup

Hi all!  It’s been a light week here as I dig out from vacation, struggle with returning to ‘real’ life, and try to curb my internet addiction a bit.  I’ve only posted one FB status since I got home, and about 3 tweets.  Is that good for traffic, probably not, but it’s good for me so that’s what counts.  I have some posts brewing about all that, but in the meantime here are just a couple of links, but quality ones, so enjoy!

  • The Shape of a Mother : This site is SO good!  It’s full of real (ie non professional or retouched in any way) photos of mom bodies.  Sagging boobs and bellies, stretch marks, all the things that we all struggle with but rarely show each other.  It’s so good to see and know and hear that I’m not alone in my struggle with how I look.  I may not fight weight, but I hate my sags and bulges where none used to be.  Found via Mothering mag. 
  • Six Ways to Help the Angry Child : I need to re-read this one, as I have one that’s sunny as they come, and one that’s often angry.  Of course the sunny one has started imitating the older one’s behavior, but in a mostly comical way which is also hard to deal with!

Only two, but both worth checking out for sure.  Enjoy, and have a great weekend!

SaneMom

Are You Teaching Your Children to Live Without You? (guest post by Susan)

Guest post by Susan Heid of The Confident Mom, thanks Susan!

“The most beautiful sight in the world is a child going confidently down the road of life after you have shown him the way” – Confucius

Confucius had it right – isn’t that what our job as a mom is, getting our kids ready to leave the nest?  I don’t know about you, but I certainly am not interested in accompanying my child at age 19 to his first job, carrying his briefcase for him or dropping off his lunch that he forgot at home.  Okay, that is an exaggeration (I hope….but I bet there are some moms who fall into that trap) but at what point do you starts truly putting forth that effort to develop independence and self-reliance in your kids?  It can start a lot sooner than you think.

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Q of the Week : How sympathetic are you?

This month’s newsletter is about sympathy and empathy, and you can catch it over here.  What it doesn’t tell you is that while I’m pretty adept at empathy (understanding someone’s feelings) I’m rather rotten at sympathy, which means you actually feel the same things along with them.  I usually get it, but don’t often feel it. 

As parents, we’re naturally sympathetic with our kids.  Of course I feel terrible when they get hurt, and do my best to make them feel better.  I’m likely to hurry them towards getting back into the game though, rather than keeping them on my lap for any longer than necessary.  I’m a “do you really need a bandaid?” kind of mom. 

How sympathetic are you?  Is it different with your kids than with others?  Do you offer kisses and bandaids or do you wait for them to be asked for?  I think I’m really at the low end of the spectrum, but I do think that becoming a mom has made me a bit more able to enter into other people’s feelings than I did before.  How does it work for you?

Schooling Choices and Creativity

I’m in a quandry.  Douglas is not happy at school.  It’s been brewing for awhile, and I’ve tried for several years to get him into a different type of school.  He’s in 2nd grade in a regular public school, subject to the restrictions of the lumbering systems known as NYC Department of Ed.  Some schools are better than others, and there are tons of options, but none of them have seemed perfect for him.  I know there are charter and private schools that would be more open/creative but we haven’t gotten him in anywhere. The clip below was posted by a friend of mine on FB, and it really hit home.  Creativity is NOT encouraged in the public school system, and he’s overflowing with it.  (It’s Sir Ken Robinson talking about creating an education system that nurtures (rather than undermines) creativity.  Take a look:

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Moms Online : How real is it?

Gather and Momcentral Consulting got together on some research recently, looking into the relationships between moms, isolation, and online activity.  Pretty interesting statistics!

Just a few …

  • 40% of Moms report they do not have a “best friend” or someone with whom they can share everything
  • 4 out of 5 Moms feel that they don’t have enough friends in their lives
  • Over 60% of Moms reported making a new friend online in the past year
  • Less than 50% of Moms surveyed live near any family

Read the rest of the article here. 

Have you made a new friend online in the last year?  I certainly have.  And we all know my battle with online vs offline time and the guilt thereof.  I’m working on making my time online of a bit higher quality for starters! 

I do think online relationships are tremendously valuable, but shouldn’t be at the expense of offline ones.  I’ve got a few very close friends that are now ‘real life’ friends also that I originally met online.  Friends I would likely have never found otherwise.  Happy connecting!

Thanks to Manisha over @ActInFrench for the heads up! 

Q of the Week : How do you break the sulks?

How do you break the sulks?

I seem to have an issue with sulking.  My 7-year-old is a master sulker, and I’m nearly at my wits end.  Flouncing, arguing, issuing (always dramatic) ultimatums, crossed arms and head buried in the blanket.  It’s never subtle, and you’d think it would be easy to break.  Sometimes teasing works, ignoring helps, but I’m kind of looking for a repertoire of things that have worked for some of you so I have a few more ideas.  Not discipline, but ways to catch it early and turn it before it gets really sour.  Jumping jacks? 

I know he comes by it honestly, I’ve been known to clam up and do a bit of sulking myself, so it’s not easy to treat him objectively!  Any ideas appreciated :).  I’d also love to know if you have any kids in the same boat!

To answer > Just leave a comment below, and thanks!

What do your kids think of your life?

While I’m not (sigh) spending this evening watching American Idol, I did do my usual Wednesday check of Derfwad Manor, and as usual found several delightful and thought-provoking things.  An article entitled Kids (by Susan L.) in the Confessions section really caught my attention.  She articulated, beautifully, something I’ve thought for years: I don’t want my kids to grow up thinking I have no life other than being their mother.  Here’s a brief excerpt of Susan’s article:

I actually had a great childhood, but my parents made it clear that they had lives too. Many times, they put themselves first, and I am no worse for it. They didn’t feel the need to act like everything I did was above average and special and, therefore, rob me of the opportunity of working harder to experience genuine, above average achievement. I didn’t have enrichment activities each day until dinnertime.

You can read the whole thing here.  What do you think?

The 'Mommy Wars'

A couple of articles came to my attention this week, and both address the subject of ‘mom-critics’ in some way.  I’m not a fan of the term Mommy Wars, but the tendency of moms to be critical of one another is one of the reasons I started this site. Having a “bad mom” day happens to all of us, and getting dirty looks and comments from other parents never helps the situation!  Empathy and understanding go a loooong way. 

First I ran across a beautifully written blog post by DaMomma, who eloquently (and colorfully) makes the point that empathy and understanding take the cake any day over relishing our rightness, which doesn’t help anyone. 

Then an article in the NY Times Magazine about the Bad Mommy Brigade started a firestorm on a local parenting list-serv as the author’s life, motivation, points, and views were picked apart with relish.  A few weighed in with empathy and understanding, but the comments were mostly heated.  While I didn’t find it the most enlighening article or one that I connected with particularly, it seemed to touch a nerve, the very nerve she was commenting on.  The one that drives us to criticize and judge each other for how we choose to parent, bad days or not. 

 Here’s to a little empathy … I know I can use it!