I love projects. Making them up, figuring out how to craft them, and then getting my hands dirty, desk messy, and mind lost in the process. I've been a part of OMSH's Color Me Happy Swaparooni group for a year now, and it's been a great way to get myself back in project mode. (Yes, back into, that means I've been out of it and I'm getting to that ...) You get partnered with a swap buddy, given a theme (like organizational stuff, blue/green summer stuff, tote bags, pink and brown, etc) and you have 3 weeks or so to find/make something(s) for your partner within that category. You trade likes/dislikes, blog urls, and whatever else will help the other person figure out what you might like.
The theme this month was organization, and my swap buddy and I realized quickly that we're a LOT alike, and so it was a piece of cake this time! We both made things we'd like ourselves, and gave them to the other. We both had rafts of unorganized recipes from the internet, and so went to town. And maybe overboard? I think I made her enough binders to house 5oo recipes so she should be good for awhile :). But I liked the binders, had (and took) lots of pictures to use, and love cutting things out, double stick tape, and spray glue. We're talking industrial double stick tape, I scored a roll of the kind used to stick fabric to metal cube walls back in my cubicled days, and am still using it up.
She made a recipe binder for me too, and included pre-made tabs, some of her favorite tried-and-true recipes, CHOCOLATE!, and a fun magnetic to-do-to-buy list for the fridge.
As I sat on the steps this morning, eating cheese nips with Fynn after grocery shopping, I realized something. I don't want to work anymore. Work as in ... find clients, feel stressed about clients, write notes for and schedule clients, and hunt for babysitters in order to talk to said clients. I wrote a bit ago about not being in love with coaching anymore (buried in this post) and that thought has been simmering. I thoroughly enjoy coaching when I actually DO it, and love it when the client accomplishes something new and exciting and big for them. I get bored if their goals aren't exciting to me in some way, and that gets hard. And the business end of things? For the birds. But there aren't enough 'finishes' involved to make me thrilled, especially when it comes to me personally.
I LOVE building things. Starting things. Finishing things that can be finished. But keeping them going? Not so much. Only in the fellowship and community sense. I loved doing the race last fall, as stressful as it was. I loved building the SaneMoms website. I love building other people's websites. I don't really like maintaining them. Tweaking them. Keeping them running, motivated, and humming along.
I loved living in and working on my own house for seven years. Building patios, painting, gardening, wiring and planning and sanding and cutting and all those dusty and satisfying things. I could have worked harder, and yes my enthusiasm flagged after awhile and Dad kept me going and held his tongue (he was the brains and most of the financing behind the project) but it was still incredibly fun. And during the process? I had a place where people could come, hang out, do whatever, talk, eat, socialize, sing, play games, swing in the hammock, learn to took, learn to drive, have snowball fights and water fights, throw a frisbee, wield a hammer or a paintbrush, and just plain BE. I had an open door, virtually 24/7, and it was a wonderful thing.
I miss that. The work, the open door, the project, and the fellowship. Building things, tangible and living both. I have a lot of fellowship built in now, with my family, but it's not the same kind, and something is missing. I need to have a place I can paint, dig, rebuild, change, mess up, rebuild again, and someday live in. My kids need it too, something besides a beautiful and expensive brownstone that isn't ours. My hobbit house might be a ways away, but I can start small. I have a mini library of house-building-sustainable-living books, and the knowledge that I need to work with my hands more. Making THINGS. Things people can love, use, eat, enjoy, handle, and find comfort in. I need to reassess my coaching and sanemoms both, and figure out how they fit it, and what's best. I'm tired of feeling the friction between working on them, and spending time with my kids. One fights the other, and they both need me still. Need my real attention, energy, and focus. D loves projects himself, we just need to find shared or compatible ones. F loves wrecking them, watching, imitating, and laughing. Making the music. Finding the pieces. Putting away.
It's time to build. God help me with the plans. Please.