getting closer ...

we have a truck!

we have help, insights, and a hell of a lot to learn.

we have ... liftoff! 


well, not quite, but it's a step in the right direction anyway.  (the moving into a camper and getting on the road direction).  a big step.  towards the thing that still terrifies me and makes me excited.  that's stretching my patience, faith, and psyche.  i don't know how this is going to work, or feel, or go.  i'm rather blindly planning as best i can ... researching what kind of antifreeze to put in a 95 F250 Powerstroke Diesel truck, and canning salsa because i don't want to go on the road without it.  equally important things, in some corner of my brain. 

no, there's no logic in this, logic seems to be going out the window.  there's just a direction, a desire, and a path that i can barely see.  that gets paved just as i put my foot down, always losing my balance and wobbling a bit.  i feel overwhelmed with all the things i need to do, and find, and get rid of, and finish. 

i want to enjoy the last few weeks here, but it's hard to not feel utterly frazzled and crazy.  and impatient with all the things that 'get in the way' of getting on the road.  but they're things that need to happen.  connections to make.  people to hug.  this feeling of being connected, more than ever, to people and places.  leaving bits of my heart everywhere i go.  i think it's a precursor of what the trip will make me feel, at least a bit.  drawing lines and connections between my past and present, touching memories and making new ones.  trying to find my balance, and knowing that i never quite will.  and that's ok.

a year ago, this was barely an idea.  now it's feeling imminent ... funny how that happens.  big changes always creep up on me so that, in hindsight, they feel inevitable and perfect ... but if i look back at the genesis point (or the first time the idea really surfaced), i wonder how on earth it ever became a certainty.  it's clear from here, but oh so vague from there.  probably safest that way :).