I seem to have a continually fermenting stomach the last few days. Landlord/tenant battles, which I am squarely in the middle of and partially responsible for (being the agent and all) are seriously messing with my peace. Which I was enjoying thoroughly, having not thrown myself headlong back into “work work work and feel very busy” mode since returning from vacation. i’ve taken the kids out to several pools, on walks, to the beach (never again to that one, ended up detoxing afterwards as we found it was a sewer-water dumping ground. ugh!!), and spent lots of time chatting with friends. little internet, little responsibility beyond kids and meals. it felt really good. but i felt the axe hanging over my head of jobs for clients that i still owe, and promised to get back to right after vacation. that i should be working on right now as fynn sleeps. somewhat of a rebellion inside kept me from picking up the mouse and getting it done, wanting to still be free. then the battle between those above me and those below me erupted again this morning, and i was called in to mediate and “please talk to her and get this straightened out! i don’t need this stress!”
i’m non-confrontational to a fault, and this is forcing me to be very confrontational, which on some level is good experience. but i hate it with a passion. it makes me not want to come home, or answer my phone, when it’s two volatile people who can’t seem to make one inch of space for the other. the small saving grace (or large one actually) is that the new frontroom tenants are wonderful, relaxed, aware and adaptable, and seem to have a magic radar for when to be social and when to be in their room. loving that and very very glad for it, if the previous one were still here i’d probably go find somewhere else to live for a few weeks.
i’m going away for the weekend, solo, and can’t wait. i feel about to explode, and hope to find a way to express it and get perspective. after the wv trip i can see even more clearly what i’d love to build with m, and was reminded again how i feel when away from the city. toying a wee bit with the madness (or so it feels) that would be pulling D out of public school this fall and starting homeschooling. i dread the thought of schedules and rushed mornings again. but where would my work get done? can’t currently afford to drop it, especially if there’s a hope of moving soon. we need a car and land for starters. trusting the way to that dream will slowly become obvious.
now i’ll go attempt to work again, hoping i have more than 5 min before Fynn wakes up.