A Burden or a Gift?
In a recent coaching class, we discussed the issue of responsibility vs. blame. How do you feel when you hear the word "responsibility"? Heavy, careful, and busy? Or relaxed, free, and capable? We started out with this question: On a scale of one to ten, how responsible are you for your life? My gut reaction was to say "Oh, about 12 to 15 for me", and the feeling that accompanied it was one of confinement, weight, and tiredness. I've always thought of responsibility as a burden to bear, and one that I should carry as much of as I am capable. Not a very enjoyable way to live, is it?
What if I told you the opposite was true? That responsibility equals freedom ... the power to choose, to change, and to make good. If this is new to you, as it was to me, then shift your perspective to the view that when you acknowledge that you caused or contributed to a situation, you have the freedom to change it! It's up to you to do with it what you want. If you blame someone or something else for the situation, you are left powerless and often resentful. I'm not suggesting that there is no such thing as divine intervention or 'fate', as I believe God plays an active role in my life, but rather that we have the most freedom in taking responsibility for our own lives, choices, and actions.
In my December newsletter's Quote of the Day section, I referred to writing to a friend in England who I hadn't heard from in a year. Just two days ago I receive a response ... I was SO excited to get a letter from this woman that I love dearly but haven't kept in touch with very well. To my dismay, the letter was curt and brief, no comparison to the pages of heart and soul that I'd poured out to her. My immediate reaction was anger that she could hold me at arm's length like that, and then the hunt for someone to blame. Someone must have turned her against me, she's changed drastically, etc ... it can't be MY fault that she feels this way! Now I realize what I was doing ... blaming instead of taking responsibility. So how can I revisit the relationship and see what I AM responsible for? I see another letter shaping up :). I can't force her to love me, but I can address anything I did in the past that might have hurt her, and leave it there.
So how does responsibility really work? Can it be shared? It certainly can, but there is a finite amount of it in any given situation, and it's easy to cause harm when you take responsibility that isn't yours to take. Taking responsibility's "bag of choices" off of the table and putting it on your own back means that the next person doesn't have access to it. It works just like trust does ... you never learn to use it until you have access to it. My son will never learn to dress himself if I always take responsibility for it in the morning (I can't wait for that day!).
The harm comes in grudgingly taking responsibility and having it make you into a bitter martyr, or else it's caused when you take away the chance that someone else can learn from or find freedom in a situation. When my husband and I were first learning how to balance having a child in the house, I took too much responsibility, and then blamed my husband for not taking it. Sound at all familiar? I finally had an epiphany when he told me he couldn't take it until I gave it up. I had to put that bag back on the table and let him pick it up at times.
One last word ... one of the keys to taking responsibility for yourself is to know what you need in order to stay healthy, and especially for those of you that fall in the 9-10+ category, know when to hand the bag of Other Responsibilities over to someone else and take care of yourself for a few minutes or hours or days! It may be the most responsible thing you'll do all week!