Necessary, Addictive, and Oh-So-Healthy*!
I’ve been meaning to write for months on a pet subject of mine ... getting time alone. Perhaps I focus on it more than some, having a husband and small child and living in NYC, but I do think it is a very common issue. You may have more of it than you’d like, but for almost all of my clients, there’s never enough. I believe there are two kinds of time that are vital to my sanity, and it took me 30 years to figure that out. What are they? Solitary time and Alone (responsibility-free) time.
Let’s start with the hard one. When was the last time you were truly solitary? I mean the kind of time where you don’t speak to anyone (preferably can’t see or hear anyone either) and have no distractions. Sitting by yourself in nature, on a quiet rooftop, walking down a deserted road, or just sitting in an empty room. Undistracted by people and sounds, your thoughts are able to roam. How long does it take for the “shoulds” and “have-to’s” and “but I need’s” to fade? Your mind slows down, and your thoughts start to actually wander down old and probably dusty paths. I find that when I actually get solitary time, and let the mental chatter fade, I start to see where my heart is and what I *really* think. It’s a fabulous way to find your priorities and dig the stones out of your emotional shoes. What thoughts and feelings do you carry with you every day, that once you actually see them and feel them, you can decide to toss them aside? I’ll bet you can find one or two.
Want some extreme solitary time? It’s not for everyone, but trying out a flotation tank can be an wonderful way to experience it. By lying in a super-salted tank of warm water, you have no sense of touch, sound, and light, leaving you totally alone with your thoughts. Great places to meditate, relax, or think about a specific issue. It’s worth trying and you may become addicted, but personally I find the combination of solitary and sunshine the most refreshing.
Next, how about Alone time? If you’re in a relationship and/or have a family, chances are especially high that alone time is harder to come by than you’d like. A few hours to do exactly what YOU want to do seem like a golden ticket? I’ve found that setting aside alone time, for both me and my husband, has so far been a key to preserving our marriage. In fact it’s right up near the top of the list. If I don’t have a few hours every week where no one needs or wants anything from me (whether I’m home or out), I turn into a rather unpleasant person very quickly. I need that time to clear my head, get away from the daily responsibilities, and be f'ree for an evening. I go out with girlfriends, sit in the coffee shop with a good book, or go to a movie by myself. What I do isn’t really important, but actually doing it is critical. The times that I let shoulds get in the way, we all regret it!
Everyone needs time f'ree from all of their usual relationships and more importantly, free from responsibility for anyone else. For me, when I go out it’s not that I pretend that I’m not married or a mom, but mentally I have no ties to my family for that period of time. Truly free time. It’s delightful how little time it takes to recharge my batteries, even an hour or two can work wonders if it’s all I can squeeze in.
Sound appealing? Sound like a necessity but seem impossible? Chances are you’ll need to make a good effort, and have support, to find your alone times. Your partner has to be on board, or it will be very difficult to pull off effectively. Have a hectic schedule? Pick a fixed time and make sure *everyone* knows it’s off limits. You don’t have to give a reason, but mark it in your calendar, and tell anyone who asks that you have plans. It can be twice a month, once a week, or 30 minutes a day, whatever you need it to be. Take it! It’s not a selfish thing in case that thought flits across your mind (I admit to fighting that one occasionally), it’s healthy for you and for your relationships. You’ll be amazed at how quickly your head clears, irritations fall away, and peace creeps up on you. Being alone enriches both you and your relationships, go give it a try ... you won't look back.
* If you have an unhealthy amount of alone time already in your life, making time to be out with other people, or part of a group or class, is just as vitally important. Plan it, join it, go out and find it, call that friend, or volunteer somewhere! You need time with other people.