Drawing Lines in the Sand
Do you use the lines you draw, or trip over them?
During a getaway last week that involved 5 boys under the age of 11, my emotions were stretched to the extreme in both directions. As the week wore on, tempers flared in both me and my older son, resulting in words better left unspoken. I found myself requesting things of him that set off arguments, and then regretting ever drawing the "do it or else ... " line. (A dangerous one indeed at the best of times.) The counterpoint to the week was a very brief early-morning visit to a deserted beach on the Atlantic coast, with just me and my 2 sons. The older one dove right into drawing in the smooth sand with his fingers, carving channels and pictures and words with great glee. We had a wonderful time playing together, and wading in the surf as far as I dared with a baby sleeping in a sling over my shoulder. The experience helped me realize how my "line-drawing" was working, and what it was doing to our relationship.
Many "lines" that get drawn are helpful ones, and bring clarity and focus to our lives. Finish lines, boundaries, goals, and connections are all helpful. They provide structure, and help others understand what we're up to and what we expect. Drawing a line makes our intentions known to those around us, and has similar effects to naming something.
So when do lines become things to trip or argue over? In the case of the rules I was setting for my son, the problem was in the way things were communicated. His heart was wrapped up in what he was doing, and logic was entirely irrelevant to him. He needed to learn to obey, but I didn't communicate the required actions, or the consequences, in a loving and understanding way. I drew the line in my world, not his. The line needs to be commonly understood for it to work well. I watched the NYC marathon go through our neighborhood yesterday, and the finish line in Central Park was understood by every single one of the 37,000 participants, whether they reached it or not. The goal was clear, and those who reached it triumphant ... they crossed a line and won.
So how do we make sure lines, of whatever kind, are commonly understood? Start by communicating in the way your audience is most likely to understand. Speak their language, and in a loving way. State the facts simply and clearly. You also need to consider the emotion involved ... what is your audience feeling? What emotion are you conveying when you speak? How will the recipient react to the line you're drawing?
The final issue to keep in mind is the consequences if the line is or isn't crossed ... and is it actually worth drawing in the first place? Can everyone deal with it, either way? In the case of my son, I drew several lines that weren't worth it, and ended up tripping over them. I also drew a couple that were painful but necessary for both of us. I'm glad for the experience, and look forward to watching him learn to draw his own lines.