As if There's Any Other Way ...
Last weekend, our housemate of two years moved out. She lived in our front room, and was a happy, bubbly addition to the house. She often commented on what "super parents" we were, and how she envied our perfect little family. I would protest "If you only heard the arguments!", which she said she never did.
Truth be told, I found myself always being a bit more careful when she was in the house. Curbing my tongue, lowering my angry voice when I lost my temper, and trying to live up to her unrealistic praise. Thankfully, her very last day in the house, she heard me yell at my son for something. I'm not glad I yelled, but for the reality check. She heard me being an imperfect parent, a real one.
There are no perfect parents. No perfect way of raising kids. No one right way to feed, clothe, discipline, sleep train, or teach them. But we sometimes act like there is. I never appreciated my mother's wisdom more than when I asked her when she started disciplining me. I was struggling with how to deal with a feisty 2-year-old, and wanted an easy answer. She gracefully declined to directly answer the question, wanting me to figure out, on my own, what was best for me and my child.
Don't get me wrong, there's tremendous value to be had from the experiences of other parents. Learning from each others' successes, mistakes, and insights. Sometimes we imitate, and sometimes declare "I would never do that!" But we learn. We read books, swap stories, commiserate, and kibitz. But in the end, it's our own choices that matter.
I'm an avid mom-blog reader, and never cease to be amazed by the firestorm of comments when a mom dares to admit how she chooses to raise her kids. "She's still in diapers?" "He's sleeping with you?" The list is endless, and the comments often judgmental, incredulous, dismissive, or condescending. I'm not talking about commenting on blatant abuse or physical harm, but the simple choices. We're afraid of being criticized for our choices, so we are the first to tell others how their choices should be like ours.
No two children are the same. The differences between my two boys are staggering, despite the fact that I can hardly distinguish between their baby pictures. I fight to give them room to be themselves. To grow and learn at their own pace. Finding an encouraging their talents. I'm learning just as much about parenting as they are about growing up, and making many mistakes. I should give the same room to other parents, allowing them to make their own choices without judgment from me.
Kids get report cards a couple of times a year, and employees have at least an annual review, but parents get reviewed, graded, and judged with every word and move they make as parents. Let's be kind to each other, and give each other the space to be real, growing parents ... the space we crave for ourselves.