Taking care of your own space
For those of us with kids, that term has all kind of connotations associated with it. In parent-speak, it’s defining the limits of where, when, and what your children are allowed to do. Setting limits until they learn to set them for themselves. But do we ever learn? I’m beginning to wonder.
While I’m all for freedom and infinite possibilities, at times we have to set boundaries for ourselves to keep things in check. I’m not talking about limits here, just boundaries. The difference? Boundaries define what you will or won’t allow in your personal space. Limits are finite points you won’t or can’t go beyond. Places you’ll never go past, explore, or reach, and chances are there’s a judgement involved, such as “I can’t”, “It would be bad if I ...”, or “I won’t.” Boundaries look inward, and say what you’ll accept. Limits look outward, and say “I’ll never ...”
I’ve felt the need in the last few months to set some boundaries for myself that I’ve never wanted or had to before. Juggling a job, a 4-year-old, another pregnancy, social events, school obligations, and all the other pieces I allow in my life mean that if I continue with my current pace, I’ll be dead before I’m 40. I have the tendency to not set any boundaries for myself and my time, and then end up frazzled and exhausted. The result is that for the last 2 months, I’ve put almost a complete stop to personal communication outside of my immediate family, and have been taking a break. Call it my hibernation if you will. It’s been wonderful, healing, and a rest that I didn’t know I needed until I took actually saw how I was interacting, and realized it wasn’t healthy for me or my friends. I set a boundary, and reveled in the quiet. As I recover and rethink, I’m slowly coming up off of my couch and starting to reach out again. I have a new respect for the phrase “I’m not available right now” both in my own vocabulary, and in my friends’.
Are boundaries easy to set? For some of us perhaps, but for many it’s a struggle to carve out that space and stick to it. In the SAHMs coaching that started recently, I found myself once again listening to the frustrations of parents who find that kids have destroyed all personal space, and they feel unable to set boundaries, or too full of guilt feelings to stick to them. A few keys to setting effective ones ...
- Give yourself permission to set them
- Be clear to those around you that you’re setting them, and ask for their support
- Start small, and keep it simple
- Know how solid/permanent of a boundary it is ... is it a temporary line in the sand, or a brick wall?
I’m reminded of a comment a friend made to me the other day. He remarked on how some people can talk all day about what they don’t want, but can’t manage to articulate what they do want. Sometimes we have to start with the don’ts in order to clear our heads (limits) but need to then decide what we do want, and start reaching for it. If it’s a big change of some sort, chances are you’ll need some new boundaries to help the change get started.