I came home from vacation determined to stay calm. I was reasonably relaxed, though stiff and sore from sitting in cars, strange beds, long runs, and too many restaurants. We’d done the usual “clean up while packing” frenzy that I’m prone to, as I hate coming home to a mess-strewn house. So we returned to a never-this-tidy apartment, and I put stuff away as soon as possible.
Then I started canning the mass of tomatoes I’d brought home with me, fretted about the long list of things I’ve promised to do for my sis-in-law’s wedding that’s a month from today, and stayed up obscenely late for the following 4 nights. Catching up, wedding-planning, canning, fretting, and then making sure I had a bit of down time before I crawled into bed. I was “in the zone” of being productive, while telling myself I was still calm and relaxed. Reading from 4 to 5 am makes you relaxed, right? Part of me was chill, but the other part was slowly getting wound up again into the city pace of life, and I was just ignoring it.
I fell right back into my usual procrastinating habits, blog-trawling when I should have been working, irrationally checking e-mail in the hopes that it would distract me from work, and pretended to be more busy than I actually was. I’m realllly good at that, though my husband might beg to differ as he knows all the signs by heart.
It kind of came to a head today, with me getting frustrated with the boys when I should have been enjoying them, short-tempered, and wanting to do nothing but sleep. I managed to get the basics done, but have come up short on creativity and energy. Cramps and bad sleep aren’t helping matters any.
My zone has come up against a wall! It’s where I have to acknowledge that I’m not a zen-calm mama going about my tasks blissfully and peacefully, no matter how much I think I can. I’m a procrastination-loving manic mom who goes in big spurts, and then burns out. It’s just how I work. Pretending to be calm while tasks multiply in my head like rabbits isn’t terribly functional.
So, my “pretend to still be as relaxed as I was on vacation but still get things done” experiment is over, and I’m back to lists, needing time alone here and there, and a bit of sleep deprivation to catch up on. My real comfort zone. The one where I rush around madly and get oodles of things done all the while proving how much I’m getting done by my very frantic-ness. It’s important that everyone know how busy I am, right? Not … but somehow I want to be appreciated for it. That elusive thing that most moms want, but rarely if ever get … acknowledgement of what we deal with on a daily basis. To be seen, understood, and high-fived for making it through another day.
So a high-five to all my fellow mamas, for making it through another day, no matter how triumphant or traumatic it ended up being. You are seen, and understood, by at least some of us!
XO to you all, and a happy long-weekend to many of you …