Breaking the silence

Image courtesy of Joseph Mark Jarvis via Flickr.I’ve not felt like blogging for the last few days, so I simply haven’t.  It’s like my desire to do anything flatlined on Thursday, and it really hasn’t changed.  The weather snapped cold again this week, we spent far too much time inside and at home, and when we did get out there wasn’t anything social about it.  The next week is shaping up to be better in terms of projects and outings, and I hope it drags my mood somewhere above flat.  Even a run today didn’t help, though I felt better during it and managed to find the energy to cook supper and do some cleanup when I got home. 

February is about the worst month in my book.  Cold, grey, short days, and lots of sitting around getting on each other’s nerves.  It’s the time for planning and cozying up under blankets and movies and hot drinks.  I think we’re doing well on the movies and hot drinks part, it’s the planning one that’s making me feel rather empty. 

We’re at one of those points in our lives where the vista seems like it ought to be wide open, but I’m having trouble finding the windows, let alone doors.  There might be practical barriers like lack of funds and such, but I can’t make that my real excuse.  Where there is no vision, the people perish.  I need a vision quest perhaps?!  I’ve realized that our bigger dreams (moving out of the city, building a house in the mountains, having it full of creativity and discussion) aren’t practical at the moment, but that doesn’t mean we can’t start on the little parts now.  Community is critical to both of us, savoring it, building it, bringing it home.  I can do that here.  I’m honestly the happiest when my house is full, and almost as happy in the rich peace that comes when it empties out again.  It’s like the broth that grandma said was best for keeping you healthy in winter, it feeds the deepest parts of you.  The parts that shrivel a little bit when we’re too long alone. 

I’m beginning to think practicality is overrated.  Coming from me, that’s a most preposterous statement.  I’m the queen of practicality most of the time.  Horribly so.  I’m realizing however, that I can pratical-ize my life into the most inane and frustrating corner, and not ever see beyond the pavement in front of me.  Tunnel vision.  Don’t you have days (or weeks or years) like that?  Where the chances seem too risky, the fears too great, the day-to-day details so full that there is no room to think, let alone dream?  “What’s yo dream?“  (I’m a huge PW fan, can’t help myself. Richard Gere does something to brighten spirits, perhaps I need to drag the movie out?!)  I need some vision.  Here’s hoping we stumble across some soon, before I dip below the flatline.