The roller coaster that is my mind

Fynn and I headed to our lessons this past winter … I have to say I won’t miss lugging that thing on the subway …I’ve been all over the map today, and am only starting to feel settled down at 9:30 at night.  Fynn’s in bed, exhausted, M’s working, the radio faintly playing in the kitchen, and our fans do battle with the humming of A/C in the buildings around me.  Douglas is still at camp, with only 3 more full days of fun craziness before we get to pick him up.  Which is part of my all-over-the-mapness, because I’m counting on checks to come in tomorrow so I can reserve a car for the weekend in order to drive up to get him.  For someone who likes to have things lined up in advance, and organized, this waiting bit isn’t sitting well with me.  However, it’s what is and it will work out and I need to get on with the rest of life.  The parts staring me in the face, that I can actually do something about.  Like perhaps the piles of laundry that are multiplying in dark and sticky corners? 

Just to give you a snippet of my yo-yo-ing today … tears at breakfast while trying to describe (to my husband) the part of my heart that’s not able to fly here in the concrete jungle, then frantic cleaning of turtle tanks and litterboxes and cat diarrhea while feeling martyrishly productive, something I’m a pro at.  Then a quick shower and check of my cello rental bills, realizing that I DO have to return my cello on the way to Fynn’s lesson this afternoon, as we can’t afford to keep it and I’ll incur another month’s fees if it waits till next week.  More tears, I really do love it and was just starting to get good enough at it to play along with other instruments. 

Fynn and I tear out the door, get to the subway and hear our train coming, signal the agent that I’m going to swipe for the special entrance door (we’re both carrying cellos), and swipe it only to see “insufficient funds” pop up.  I turn, frustrated, but see her waving me on through without having to pay!  Of we go down the stairs, making the train with seconds to spare.  We get our 2nd train with no waiting, only to discover the A/C isn’t working in that car.  A quick scoot to the next car gives us blissful coolness for the next 25 minutes, the first time I’ve been comfortable all day.  

My cello’s returned w/out incident, and apples are purchased and eaten on the way to Fynn’s lesson in the hopes of preventing the mid-lesson breakdown excuse of “I’m hungry”, accompanied by a dramatic slouching of shoulders and a big sigh.  It happens anyway, along with probably the 2nd worst lesson he’s ever had (last week’s would be hard to top) as he hides, dances, plays everything but what he is told to, and generally makes an ass of himself.   I know things haven’t been as smooth as usual at home, and he’s missing his brother, but it still drives me nuts that I wasted half a day taking him there just so he could goof off.  I gave him a non-heated talking to on the way home, took away dessert, and zoned out for a bit after we got home.  Checking email brought news of a surprise gift from a friend, sending the roller coaster back up the hill again.  I still breathed a sigh of relief when I put him in bed though. 

Some days the emotions are so close to the surface that I can’t really hide them from anyone, and it doesn’t take much to send me careening wildly between extremes.  Today was one of those days, but I’m looking forward to tomorrow … so hope is alive and well and that’s a good thing.  Now off to tackle the laundry.