I am frustrated and have no one to blame but myself, which let’s face it, is just, well, frustrating. Do you see the circles my mind runs in? Let me explain: I want to be light and happy. After all, I’m living the dream right? I have three great kids, kids that I chose to have. I live in Los Angeles, a city that I love and chose to come to live in. I am pursuing a career in writing because I feel compelled to do so, yes, but on some level I’m choosing to do it. Short of a husband who adores me and supports me both emotionally as well as financially, I’ve got it all. But you see, this is where I’m running into trouble.
My dear, sweet, supportive husband does not exist, which I can sort of handle. I mean, sure, I’d like it if he did, but I have family and friends who are supportive and who have even helped out financially, although it’s humiliating to have to borrow money. The problem lies in the fact that it’s depressing to never be able to do the things that others take for granted, such as going to a movie, buying a book or occasionally going out for a meal.
As I took my daily walk this morning in and around my neighborhood that I love, I passed by a house with a sign for a psychic. A house, mind you, in this very nice neighborhood as opposed to the apartment that I’m living in. It bespeaks a certain level of success, don’t you think? Now, I don’t hold a lot of faith in psychics. I went to a famous one once many years ago, who admittedly said some interesting things, but then she either left a lot out, or was mistaken about what my future held in store. Still, as I passed this house I wondered, if I went in and she (I’m assuming it’s a she but it doesn’t have to be) told me that I’m never going to make it financially as a writer, what would I do? Would I go get a job, and if so, doing what?
I believe in tightly holding onto your dreams. I’ve seen so many people over the years settle for less than they had hoped for, and I’ve seen what it’s cost them. They’ve lost their optimism. They have no hope that tomorrow will be different than today. Yes, some of them can pay their bills. Sure, they can go to the movies, but there’s no light. They have lost their spark and I don’t ever want that to happen to me, and yet they can afford that Coffee Bean Vanilla Ice-Blended that I am soooo craving as I write this. It’s a conundrum.
But, alas, what can you do? I guess for now I’ll avoid psychic predictions and continue to go with my gut. Writing is what I love to do, and the reality is, anything else would leave me much less happy. Sure, it’s not yet providing the lifestyle I’d like, but my dreams are vividly clear. I can see the possibilities and will choose to fight for all that I know can be achieved, even if it means another day minus my beloved coffee.
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Bridget Straub is a writer, mom and eternal optimist. She has three children she loves dearly, as well as four novels in need of a publisher and one musical on its way to production. You can follow her at bridgetstraub.com.