Keeping the Pantry Clean
Last weekend, I had the privilege of getting together with my parents, siblings, and their families. As with any reunion, it generated various “do you remember” discussions, and I began to notice how varied our memories were of very specific events. What makes us remember some things and have no recollection of others? What are memories for anyway? What do we do with the bad ones?
I believe memory and emotion are closely tied for most of us. It’s a common phenomenon for super high stress levels to cause your memory to “blank out” temporarily or permanently. It can also produce extreme clarity of memory, when some see their “lives flashing before their eyes.” In my experience, the memories with fierce emotions attached to them tend to be both stronger and deeper, and not always readily accessible.
As we age, memories get more and more filtered, and its common for the elderly to have their early memories be crystal clear, but recent events are irrelevant and often lost. On the way home from my family reunion, I had the chance to stop with my parents at a nursing home where they we visited a man they’ve known for many years. He’s by far the oldest person I’ve ever met, an amazingly lucid and coherent 106-year-old who stopped living on his own just six months ago at the tender age of 105! He was thrilled to see my parents again, and full of joy. As they talked he began to reminisce, and turned to events of his 20’s and 30’s. The memories were clear but “dry” as he told them, long since stripped of the emotional content but still a current source of enjoyment. I’d even venture to say they were helping keep him alive.
So what are memories for? I believe we have them for comfort, enjoyment, growth and learning, and finding fellowship with each other. The wisdom of hindsight is based on memory, and can be a great tool for change. What will we avoid next time around? How can we apply what we’ve learned? Shared memories cement relationships and provide ways to deepen our understanding of each other. They also give comfort to those who are mourning the loss of someone close to them.
As we add layers to our memories as we age, we start to find patterns and recurrences that help us see ourselves more clearly. What comes to mind when you look back? What do you focus on? Are you remembering the bad times, or the good ones? I’ve discovered that when I recall a bad memory, and still feel the same emotions as the first time around, I haven’t actually dealt with that event yet. Am I still angry over something that happened 4 years ago? Time to deal with it and ‘clean’ the memory! Just like a bag with one rotten potato, bad memories can become spoiled and stinky if not taken care of. When you look back, you have the power to change how that event affects you, even though you can’t change the event itself. You choose how to view it. You can be an Eyeore and remember all with doom and gloom, or you can use a Tigger filter and see the fun and joy in it all. Your choice.
I’ll leave you with a last comment and a challenge. First the challenge ... May 14th is Mothers’ Day here in the states ... please go and share an early memory of your mom with her, if you still can, or with a sibling or friend. Memories are a gift. Now for the last word. The daughter of the 106-year-old man shared a thought as we were leaving the nursing home. She said “You know, I’ve never known Dad to complain in his entire life. He’s been cheerful all his life, even in his current circumstances.” For a man of his age who spends countless hours staring at a white ceiling and listening to truly incoherent roommates, those words were unforgettable to me, and a precious gift. Happy sharing!