Summer's here, and I think I have two heads

There’s no question that summer is here, at least in attitudes and clothing choices.  Pools aren’t open yet, but layers have been shed, windows are open, and everyone is lingering outside later and later.  I’m feeling the pressure of a chaotic series of trips and complicated schedules, trying to finish up schooling and get everyone and everything organized so that we can leave on time.  Some days I think my head is rolling around under the bed collecting dust bunnies, and other days I’m yelling at the boys to stop making weird noises and find something to do already!

It feels like the summer is fixed and things are lining up in reasonable order, but anything beyond August is the great unknown.  The possibilities are wide, the choices hard, and the pressure mounting just a wee bit.  I’ve become very conscious of how much I love this city, and the people in it.  The roots, as I tug at them, are deeper than I thought possible.  I start to think about moving away, and then look back at my town and see all the things I haven’t found the time for yet.  The trips, museums, conversations, at every turn I add something to my “before we go” list. 

I haven’t actually put the list to paper though, and am oddly reluctant to actually do it.  Seems too final and poignant somehow.  So I park the ideas in a corner of my brain, and roll on. 

There are parties and playdates galore right now, and somehow they all shine a wee bit brighter than in the past.  How many more times will we get to do this, see them, hug and kiss and prance home with balloons, banging them into strangers on the subway?  The weave shines, and I soak it up with one side of me, and fear and vibrate with the uncertainty of it all on the other.  It makes living with me a bit psychotic I think, as spontaneous fun is followed by barked orders and sudden bedtimes.  I hope the fun outshadows the other in the long run.

I don’t know why this image resonates so much with me, but it does.  It’s incongruous and delightful and makes me feel right at home.  Typical, with a splash of absurd.  And lying down, tossed in fact, that hits home too … sleep has been coming hard and late, and I know it’s not helping my moods.  Naps are golden and rare, and caffeine is becoming more of a crutch once again.

My two heads are still seeing the beauty that is childhood though, sharing the delight that they find everywhere, and the tangy sweetness that is good friends. 

Transitions are never easy, are they?  Getting to anticipate them is good in many ways, but sometimes I’d just like to be 10 again and going along for the ride.  My organizing and control freak side loves a good project however, and I know once we decide on a place to move that I’ll be glad to have something to sink my teeth into, and to distract me from the tears that will be sure to come.  They’re already lurking, silly isn’t it?

When I stop to think about it I can feel the moments adding up, the friendships deepening, and I’m feeling the joys more than the dreads.  When it’s time, and where it’s right, I’m confident that we’ll know both of those things when we find them.  It’s just a matter of keeping the fun in the now, and the uncertainty locked away in the vault where it belongs. 

So how’s your summer shaping up … and are you dreading or looking forward to it?